So are they the perfect match? We offer a guide to just who the happy couple really are...
the 'cold-survived' campers
fake william & kate
William
First Name
William. Wills, the Willster, Willy-boy. More like William Arthur Philip Louis.
Surname?
Of Wales. That's not a name, it's a place. Top royals don't really have surnames, just titles. They don't need second names as everyone knows who they are.
Like Madonna… or Prince!
Sort of. But William actually is a prince. Originally the family name was Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, but it was changed to Windsor in 1917.
Why?
The original one sounded a bit too German for a monarchy in charge of a country that was, at the time, rather awkwardly embroiled in bloody trench warfare with Germany.
So should we really call him Wilhelm?
Nein. Britain has been importing royals from Germany since the 18th century. George I – aka Ludwig – didn't speak a word of English, but the family has integrated a bit since then. William's mother was a proper English rose.
Is that possible? A child born to a man and a flower?
Funny you should ask. Pater Charles is a keen horticulturalist, but those relations are almost exclusively platonic. This English Rose was a beautiful young lady called Diana.
Oh yes, the Princess of Hearts?
The very same. And legend tells how the boy William inherited her good looks, easy charm, gentle manner, charitable impulses, common touch.
And from his father he got?
A bald patch.
Unlucky!
Not really, he also gets a crown to cover it up and a kingdom.
Of course. Wales
And the rest: England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and a bunch of Commonwealth realms.
And France?
No, not France.
But Henry V… Agincourt… "once more unto the breach, dear friends!" Was the 100 years war fought in vain?
Yes, move on.
So when does William get this kingdom?
He is second in line to the throne, which means his gran and his dad have to die before he can be king.
Couldn't he, y'know, speed things up a bit?
That's sometimes how they did it in days of yore, but foul regicidal usurpation is now frowned upon in polite circles.
What does he do in the meantime?
He is a flight lieutenant in the RAF search-and-rescue squadron. And there's lots of charity work. Then there's playing polo, opening things, launching things. Watching association football matches (he loves the Villa, of course, the claret and blues)… er, you know, princely duties.
Isn't that a bit risky?
Young man, time on his hands, surrounded by glamorous women.
Surely, you're not insinuating that a future monarch would be capable of marital infidelity?!
Only in days of yore, perhaps. Well, William's namesake and great-great-great-great-great-grand-uncle, King William IV, was a bit of a ladies' man and had a ton of illegitimate children.
What happened to them?
Nothing much. His great-great-great-great-great grandson is some obscure ne'er-do-well called David Cameron.
Catherine
First names.
Catherine Elizabeth. Of, er, Berkshire.
That's not a kingdom. So she has a surname?
She had one before the wedding: Middleton.
That doesn't sound very royal.
It's not; she's a commoner.
There's no need to be rude.
Commoner just means she isn't a member of the nobility.
Got it. Ordinary Kate. Plain old Katie. Girl next door.
Well, she grew up in a posh village and went to a posh prep school, and then to a posh public school.
Yep, got it. An 'umble lass, but maybe with long-forgotten blue blood, like Tess of the D'Urbervilles.
Actually her family are really quite rich.
Salt-of-the-earth Kate. It's a right royal fairytale, isn't it? Like Cinderella going to the ball and winning Prince Charming with her glass slippers.
Except that they met at St Andrews, and she won the prince by wearing a see-through dress in a fashion show.
Times change. It's still a fairytale.
She's unmistakably upper-middle class.
Whatever. Fairytale.
Rumour has it she had a picture of William on her wall at boarding school.
OK, that's a bit weird. New money, you say?
Brand new. Her parents made a pile selling children's party accessories. A couple of generations back, the family on her mother's side were coal miners from County Durham.
So what first attracted her to the second in line to the throne of the United Kingdom?
Who knows? Must have been fate – star-crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Antony and Cleopatra…
… Jordan and Peter?
Hardly appropriate.
A common girl called Katie who fancies being a princess…
The parallels end there.
She likes horses.
Enough. Catherine Middleton is a stylish, elegant, sophisticated young lady whose relatively ordinary background will rejuvenate the British monarchy. She will be like a breath of fresh air.
Isn't that what they said about Fergie?
Some breaths turn out to be fresher than others. But Kate Middleton is the real deal. She's minty fresh.
So it was love at first sight for the pair of them?
More like friends at early sight, followed by housemates, and then sort of boyfriend-girlfriend, then splitting up, then friends again, then getting back together.
I don't remember that fairytale.
You mean you were never read the story of "Waity Katy", the girl who was kept hanging on?
Remind me.
She waited for, like, 100 years for the handsome prince to ask her to marry him. And when he finally did, a wicked witch called Camilla cast a spell on him and he turned into his dad and wasn't handsome any more.
Sounds a bit tragic. But she does get to be a princess in the end?
Not yet. But she does get to be the Duchess of Cambridge, thanks to her new grandma-in-law, who has just given her the title.
She could be a Princess of Hearts…
Don't go there!
:))
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